POLITE AND CULTURED CONVERSATION.

In our observation with what is estimated as cultured society we notice the decline of the art of and the taste for real conversation. The value and the pleasure of that greatest of all secular and earthly mediums and measures of human progress, is ignored or supplanted by an ill-concealed eagerness in your associate, that you may finish your statement in order that he or she (as the case may be) may make a better or more attractive one. Such conduct is tolerable only in case of debate or argumental contention, but is out of all harmony in a conversation intended to be edifying and mutually entertaining. The propper conduct on such occasions (if we would draw out the best thought in an associate or friend) would be one of silent, intelligent and sympathetic attention to their statement and an indication of regret that they have finished so soon. In order to assist in this, a slight inquiry as to the meaning of some thought just expressed is in order. Our contention on this point is, that in polite conversation a reply should first be either an endorsement, an inquiry or to some extent an acknowledgment as far as possible of foregoing remarks, previous to any attempt on our part to introduce a new thought, or even a new impression.

So many are prompt to quench the genial enthusiasm of a friend with such responses as, “that is just like a case I heard of", or that other and more brutal one, “Oh, I knew that long ago”. Such manners may be suitable in a barroom, or at the political hustings, but the atmosphere of a drawing-room or the home-fireside should be protected from such unwarrantable—and we may add such disgusting rudeness. And permit us to suggest just in this connection, that, one of the principle duties in conversation, is to give as high an estimation as is honestly possible to the ideas presented by those to whom we reply for the reason that though such ideas may not reach the highest grade of our estimation, they may, nevertheless, be not only the best they have to present, but possibly the best of which they are capable.

“CONVERSATION', what is it? It might be primarily instructive to make or rather to present a few negative responses to the important interrogatory which stands at the head of this paragraph.

1st. It is not the so-called killing of time by wordy nothingness wherein a dozen topics are mentioned in as many minutes.

2nd. It is not the simple narration of events with which one is especially familiar. Nor is it the dealing with gossip or scandal.

It is not the debating of a subject wherein each side is defended by the antagonisms of argument. Nor is it the exhibiting of one's own special qualifications, possessions or positions. Nor is it an effort to overreach or outmeasure our associates in company or in social contact.

But it is mutually to assist in the investigation of subjective topics by way of social and cordial entertainment of each other.

0004 2

The sacred scripture announces immediately after calling our attention to the meagre results of mere bodily exercise, (see 1st Tim. 4th chap. 8th verse). “For bodily exercise profiteth little; but godliness is profitable unto all things, having the promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come”. This points us to the fact that in the domain of human existence there are two distinct lives, the present one and the future.

We propose to call attention and direct especial observation to one branch of the two departments therein referred to some of the secular and social excellencies to be secured and enjoyed in “the life that now is”.

We shall in this paper steadily abstain from extended amplification of any specific thought herein expressed in the confident trust that both the intellect and intelligence of others may supersede such a necessity.

The christian religion, even as a philosophic agency issues an edict for the secular elevation and social advancement of humanity, both individually and collectively which outmeasures both in its precepts and its principles all other moral philosophies either preceeding or following its announcement.

And it is a matter of wonder and deep regret that the great majority of its adherents both authorized teachers and laymen never dare or fail to direct their steps to that mountain path which leads to the lofty region of personal and social excellence attainable in “the life that now is”.

They seem to disregard the important fact, that the scriptures of divine truth, while they give assurances of the life that is to come, they at the same time tell us that “it does not yet appear what we shall be”. They also check our imagination by the salutory announcement that it has not entered into the heart of man to conceive either the character or the competence of the life which is to come.

But what is important to us is, that it does give solemn mandates to obey and special directions exclusively applicable to “the life that now is”.

As christianity applied is always an individual matter it enjoins us to “add to our faith, virtue; to our virtue, knowledge; to our knowledge, temperance; to our temperance, patience; to our patience, godliness to our godliness, brotherly kindness; to brotherly kindness, charity”. These are the utilitarian personal graces indispensible to profitable social contact with our fellow beings, if the result of such contact is to be mutually “profitable”.

As the best service of the christian to his fellowman is the highest and most acceptable service to God, is it not important that we search the sacred scriptures that we may learn what is required of us in the performance of our social duties as well as in the enjoyment of social pleasures?

Here is one of the supreme injunctions given us in the word of God: “Let no one seek his own, but every man another's wealth”. 0005 3This mandate expresses a higher thought and points to a loftier personal excellence than is taught in any of the economies or all of the philosophies preceeding its enunciation. We readily confess that its eminence or altitude may at first sight discourage in the ordinary mind a hope of its attainment.

Standing (as many of us do) on the low plains of mere personal isolation, overshadowed with the prevalent egoism of the hour, the difficulty of scaling this great height, of reaching this Pisgah of altruism is at first sight discouraging. And were it not that the gospel of the Son of God which is always a light to our feet and a guide to our path, points us to the stepping stones which by easy and regular gradations lead us to this desirable eminence, we might give up in despair at the base of this lofty mountain of personal excellence.

Let us have ourselves fully penetrated with the salutory conviction that christian life does not consist in a mere abstinence (however stringent) from evil or sinful doings, for that would then be a mere negative life.

We are commanded not only to “cease to do evil", but also in the same sentence to “learn to do well”. It is important to notice that the latter part of this supreme injunction both by implication and expression involves and indeed suggests a process of personal education through which many of us decline to pass.

We make no mistake as to truthfulness when we affirm that any one who lays claim to the name of christian has secured no title to that responsible distinction until he or she has taken in some pronounced and decisive manner both of those primary steps.

Here are the “stepping stones”. We here call attention to the directions given that we may by easy and regular gradations attain or reach the height of these admirable christian and personal graces.

1st. “As ye would that men should do unto you do ye even so unto them”. This injunction is not a principle it is only a rule, because it is not applicable to all cases which occur among men. But it is a primary stepping stone, which if we place our feet firmly thereon we can more easily reach the next higher step in the process of evolution.

2nd. The next in order is as follows:

“Do good unto all men and especially unto those who are of the household of faith”.

This is both a rule and a principle, first for the reason that it is a transcript of the moral law and next that it is applicable to all men under all possible conditions of life.

In order to steady and confirm us when we have gained this advanced stage, we are asked the following pertinent question; “If we do good only to those who do good unto us, what reward have we”.

At this stage of christian infancy, we are not only taught what to do as duties to others, but we are also instructed how to perform such duties. Here is the injunction:

0006 4

“Brethern, if a man be overtaken in a fault, we which are spiritual, restore such a one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, less thou be tempted”.

When the Saviour (in his interview with Nicodemus) made the announcement that except a man be born again he cannot see the kingdom of God, did not refer to an entrance to an immortal state of existence, but only to a spiritual state in this life. He gave him and all others to understand that a spiritual birth was necessary to open the eyes to see the things which are only spiritually discerned: namely, the Kingdom which He came to establish among the children of men. We are, therefore, unequipped for this gradual, upward process if we have not been “born again” into a new spiritual life and purpose.

When the good word tells us that “goodliness is profitable unto-all things", it simply means that goodliness is so profitable, the only precedent qualification being that such goodliness shall arise from the willing spirit of implicit obedience to the teachings of our blessed Saviour. This is what entitles it to the term godliness.

To serve or to praise and worship God are duties of a widely different character; one consists in our pleasurable and affectionate relations to our Creator and preserver while the other consists exclusively in the performance of our duties to our fellow man both individually and collectively, whatever may be the intensity of our devotional prepossessions or tendencies, we are admonished before gratifying them to leave our gifts at the altar and to see to it first, that we have performed our duties to our fellow man; acceptable worship and praise can never antedate or precede obedience in this respect.

In a previous paragraph we have given a definition to the scriptural term, godliness as meaning goodliness to our fellowman, both personally and collectively. But there is also a wider and deeper significance involved in that term. It points to that character of human action and conduct which is the immediate result of our implicit obedience to the commands of God without regard to either our personal pleasure or profit, elevating us by its performance to that eminence of christian excellence where we can with promptness perform even disagreeable duties.

It is a regretful thing that a great many persons when a lofty and desirable height of personal excellence is required of them, if they feel that they cannot attain the zenith at once and without labor and pains they decry the enterprise at once and pronounce it unnecessary if not impossible.

Let such persons consider the fact that all reliable personal excellencies whether religious or secular are the results of gradual growth and evolvements from primary conditions.

Faith being the initial incident in a christian life. “The fault of the age is the mad endeavor To leap to heights that were made to climb, By a burst of strength or a thought that is clever We think to outwit or to forestal time”.

0007 5

It may be considered by some thoughtless persons that the grade of social excellence here suggested is out of reach of the general body of the people and therefore the enunciation of it is of little value. This objection is brushed aside by the suggestion that a similar objection might be urged against the decalogue or the still higher principles and duties of a strict christian life. But who would object to the teaching of such principles and practices, because of their exalted excellencies attainable only through the process of religious education?

There are varied modes and mediums by which social pleasures may be enjoyed with profit to those who are either participants or mere witnesses. As in cases of the performance of either vocal or instrumental music, readings, recitations and conversational entertainments.

No person whose judgment is entitled to a moment's consideration would question the imperative necessity of a personal training in order to be competent to execute in social circles either vocal or instrumental music productive of pleasure and satisfaction. This is also true of oracular reading or of recitations under similar circumstances. How strange it is that when we come to consider a higher—indeed the very highest of all the grades or departments of social life—and there are none in which there are opportunities for the exhibition to the same degree and extent evidences of the fine individual excellencies which adorn and penetrate the sweetest and noblest characters when drawn together by mutual selection, that the more excellent graces of coloqual enterchanges are not more highly estimated and more persistently cultivated. For indeed it is safe to postulate that the intelligent and cordial comparison of thought by way of social entertainment, reaches the highest point of social excellence to which the participants, however cultivated they may be, are susceptible.

That there are heights of social excellence and personal culture in well ordered and refined conversation not attainable through any or all other mediums of social contack needs only to be stated to be recognized as an important truth.

Why then is it that so much time and pains-taking labor are expended on the education of persons in music, dancing and the like, commencing with the pliable days of youth and continuing almost regardless of expense until commendable proficiency is attained, to this we offer no objection. But we say why is this true when the same parents for their children and the same adults for themselves decline to move a muscle, devote an hour or to expend a dollar to cultivate this higher accomplishment, namely, conversational training.

Whatever may be their susceptibility we do not expect our children to reach the grade of expertness in music dancing or any of the excellencies of erudition without training and practice. If to be an accomplished conversationalist is an adornment of personal character, is it asking too much that the earlier period of the lives 0008 6of our children should furnish a few hours in each week at least for education in this direction.

As the family life is the basis and source of all civilized governments, it is of the first importance that the thoughts herein suggested, should receive not only attention but favorable recognition in the education of our children.

There should in the schools be grafted into the lessons a drill, as uniformily practiced as those of either music or calisthenics.

In the absence of such modes and methods of social culture in the schools for the masses, we regard it as the supreme duty to our children that the parents or guardians (as the case may be) of each household should set apart one evening, at least in each week, under their own roof for the purpose, even if they should be compelled to employ the aid of a teacher.

Children should be taught to converse pleasantly with each other in their infancy as soon as they become familiar with the significance of terms. They should be urged in this department of social life to depend and be guided quite as much by the heart as by the intellect.

Listening is an art, having as many grades and qualities as any other and until this is recognized the value of conversation must be sadly limited.

As without the ear the voice would be useless, so upon the way in which the ear is used may of the results of speech depend.

Some persons seem unable to listen at all. Fond of talking themselves (which is no crime) they dislike to be interrupted and only under the compulsion of common politeness do they force themselves to be silent. But such patience is not listening. They scarcely hear less much consider what is said, eagerly embracing the first moment of silence to renew their own utterances.

Not a great while ago a friend of mine (to whom I at the time was under many literary obligations) afforded me the honor and pleasure of an introduction to a Miss B., a cultured lady, a visitor to this city, whose residence is in one of the eastern states. From what I had heard of her, I had formed a high estimate of her accomplishments. Honored as I was with a first and second interchange of thoughts with this lady in a conversational way, I readily confess that from the standard and style of her attainments as an expert conversationalist and the amiable grace with which she presented her thoughts were to me so profitable that I have been prompted thereby not only to make this acknowledgment but in the light of her splendid exemplification in this respect to offer in a plain way a few suggestions to others. A brief suggestion of some rules imperative in cultured conversation may be mentioned.

1st. Our thoughts should not be presented as our opinions. For then in such a case we may be called to defend them by argument which may silence or deter every participant in the company and thus bring to an abrupt ending the examination of the topic under consideration.

0009 7

Our views however firm we may hold them should be presented as our impressions with a manifest readiness to learn from what our friends may have to say on the subject. This is conversation.

2nd. It is not allowable except where it is solicited, that we obtrude by the slightest intimation any matter personal to ourselves or allude to an incident or the status of any one of the parties present.

In any instance where we find ourselves without an appropriate thought or suggestion we should be too polite to violate the imperative proprieties of the situation by the indecorous violation of this rule.

It is not only bad manners but it is a manifestation of coarseness, where a participant in conversation may be engaged in the recital of an incident or an anecdote for any one of the company to give the slightest intimation of previous familiarity with what is being stated.

But on the contrary it is one of the best evidences of social refinement to meet such contribution with every manifestation of recognition of its appositeness in the then present theme, and an acknowledgment of its illustrative value.

In social gatherings, conversational aptitude is a great safeguard against the ungracious habit of gossip or scandal.

I have for a long time contended that respectable people are not so cruel to others of their acquaintance as their tongues would indicate. What they need is to feel that subjective topics are appreciated by the company. If absent friends are referred to, it will then be found that it is one of the strongest evidences of a well bred mind to find its possessor has used some of his or her time and opportunity in looking up the good traits in the character of others.

There are so many good and indeed excellent persons within the range of our acquaintances and friends whose lives and whose characters present such field for both objective and subjective comment of favorable tone and temper, we assert that there is no excuse or even mitigation for our making mere buzzards of ourselves by passing over all such healthy provender and lighting down only upon the malodorous carcases in the field of our acquaintances.

To meet in the cold and selfish relations of business where every thought however inviting is sicklied over with the cast of commercial calculation or coming together in the stern antagonisms of polemic debate it is expected that every one will take care of the interests of the side which he espouses by the use of whatever ingenuity, dexterity and shrewness he is capable of commanding. But when we enter the companionable domain of polite conversational contact we should recognize the fact the very atmosphere of that circle is redolent with the perfumes of cordiality, deference, liberality and even self-sacrifice.

There are doubtless in many polite social gatherings persons of 0010 8refined and tender feelings who hesitate to advance a thought in fear of their being met with the prompt antagonism of an argument. Again, however much we may know of a matter presented it is certain that the most polite and interested attention to a speaker in conversation is exhibited by the manifestation of an anxiety to hear from them the recital if it is a narrative rehearsed or if an abstract thought is expressed—an eagerness to catch every phase of the idea, so as to even make us to solicit a repetition of some parts of the statement.

How complimentary this would be to the relater and creditable to the inquirer that he or she is so ready to admit that they do not know everything touching the topic under consideration.

In polite conversation when a fine quotation of either poetry or prose is presented in order to strengthen or to exemplify a thought, it is grossly impolite that it should be met at (as it often is) with the inquiry, “who is the author of those lines?” A fact which has nothing to do with the subject under consideration. In common decency and fairness the first compliment due to the party who presents said quotation, is to acknowledge its illustrative potency and to offer congratulations as to the aptness and value of the contribution.

It is so more refined and refining to solicit the aid of an associate friend or friends in either the completion or even the extension of a thought than to indulge in a punctilious badgering scene of criticism which may terminate in only a victory of repartee as unseeming as it is unedifying.

The easy and amiable grace which enables one to suggest a review of one's own propositions with the modest view that they may be open to objections, bespeaks a higher order or grade of social culture than is found in the common or ordinary classes of social life.

One of the first and most pleasure-imparting duties in conversation is, our readiness to admit that on the theme in consideration we are not at the end of it. This is a murderous blow, (I admit,) to the personal vanity and brusqueness which disgustingly airs itself in responding, “Oh yes I understand how it is” or “certainly, certainly;“ or the punctuating of every ordinary statement of our own with the schoolroom inquiry, “do you understand?” as though we were addressing an infant or one who is semi-idiotic.

How fond we are of enjoying the extended conversations of cultured and refined persons which we find written and portrayed in productions such as Walter Scott and Thackery's works and others of high class romance. What an elevating and refined atmosphere seems to surround us while we only in imagination and fancy are within the beneficent range of these social circles of cultured society. Is it not marvelous that after breathing the invigorating air of such refinement (even through the medium of books) we should gravitate to the vulgar level and limit of that banter and badger, rough and tumble repartee which prevails in most of our 0011 9attempts at conversational entertainments. The only explanation is this, we have never stopped to discipline ourselves in the school of conversational politeness.

In continuing our observations and suggestions on the incidents as well as the proprieties of conversational etiquette, you will pardon the following.

It would be amusing if it were not painful for an outsider to be able to hear what is called conversation which often takes place in what is regarded as good society.

The first picture presented is two or more persons, ladies or gentlemen or a mixture of both. A topic without preselection is on the carpet and one of the parties essays to express himself in regard to it. One would presume that number two and three to be polite were giving manifestly all of their attention and so encouraging the former to present his or her best both of statement and of thought. But not a word of it, each is engaged in loading up by recollection and otherwise with something to exhibit how much more they know of the topic than has been mentioned and blurting it out without ceremony and so on until each has had his or her exhibition. And the party of the first part will be fortunate if he hears repeated or even referred to one branch or intimation of his or her statement. Indeed he has witnessed the ludicrous spectacle of a scramble of others in their indecent haste to jostle aside each other that their wares may eclipse whatever has been uttered by others.

There are at least two reasons why we should select the better character in our interviews.

1st. The constant association of our ideas and observations with low conditions and characters is sure to generate a cast of mind unfavorable to the finer susceptibilities of human progress. We are reminded by the poet that: “Vice is a monster of such frightful mein, That to be hated needs but to be seen, Yet seen too oft familiar with her face, First we endure, then pity, then embrace”. In this latter field to which we invite your active interest of looking up the best traits and accomplishments of others and especially of those persons in whom we have no family or bonded interest, the finest and first developments appears in our own personal character—the nobility of an unselfishness to which hitherto we had been strangers, it is not only the truth that our world becomes larger but our own powers become enlarged. The social atmosphere becomes purer as we rise to the higher altitudes. “We count those things to be grandly true; That a noble deed is a step toward God Lifting the soul from the common sod. To a purer air and a nobler view”.

Among the profits and pleasures arising from a conformity to the above suggestions may be found the following:

0012 10

First—The assurance that what we have to say in polite social interviews will be met by a fair and generous hearing, not only justifying the diligent and patient study we ourselves have given the subject, but that we are so fortunate as to have the added potencies of other intellects to advance us further on the journey of our inquiry. Another result would be to keep the fact before us that we may be called on at any moment to fill our place in the discharge of conversational duties, consequently suggesting the need of close observation and study of whatever is likely to come within range of our conversational interviews or the scope of our mental vision and thereby cultivating a taste for reading and reflection in matters of abstract thought.

We have said in this paper that fine conversational aptitude is a great safeguard against the ungracious habit of mere gossip and scandal — what is needed is an ability to handle with some degree of ease and proficiency—subjective matters when we find ourselves in the company of those whom we respect and admire.

Take as an example a lady who for more than a quarter of a century has resided in our city (Philadelphia), who in all probability has met a larger number of her own sex, both in public and private life, than any other one of her sex, and I venture the assertion that no one has ever heard her introduce, or join in or encourage gossip or scandal with reference to any one of her acquaintances. One of our explanations of this is that she is full of subjective matters and therefore has neither taste or disposition to indulge or to join in the envious and degrading practice.

Among the considerations of primary importance in pleasant and profitable conversational interviews is to have something to say with which we are somewhat familiar, but we should be careful not to express that something with either brusqueness or dogmatic display. It is far better to speak inquiringly or in hesitant tones, thereby leaving room for your associate to modestly suggest a deviation or modification without appearing to be directly antagonising your propositions for however well posted we may be as to the branch of the subject under consideration, our friend may just have a thought in point that has not occurred to us. How pleasant it is to have additional light of his or her added torch in the mutual investigation. We must always avoid the presentation of a tableau of teacher and scholar. There should be an effort, aye, and even a sacrifice made, to keep on level with our consort if only in simple reciprocal fairness.

Whoever would avail themselves of these primary suggestions must discourage the infatuation that it is a disgrace not to be posted on every topic or to be ignorant of the branch of the topic under conversational consideration. 0013 11There are, however, many persons who are in dread of not being designated as coming next to Solomon as to wisdom; they will never attempt to avail themselves of these intimations.

It is remarkable how much of suggestion one person may have which another just needs to develop and round out his own thought. It would seem as though in such cases there were mental sexes brought together, the jointure resulting in new conceptions. How this mental interdependence should check and chasten that personal punctilousness which often obtrudes its worthless presence in conversational entertainments.

It would be extreme credulity to expect anyone to become a proficient conversationalist who has not hitherto been guided in their social intercourse to some considerable extent by the rules here briefly but imperfectly suggested. And yet it would not be a very difficult task with persons of an amiable and generous nature, who have not failed to make themselves passably intelligent as to the principles governing the themes which they hope to interchangeably investigate in a social atmosphere to avail themselves of several of the suggestions herein stated.

It is an unfortunate mistake to presume that in polite conversational interviews that it is important that instantaneous rejoinders be made to a thought expressed or even an inquiry presented.

There are many well-informed persons who deeming promptness important if not indispensable proceed to blurt out their responses, when it would be far more amiable and entertaining to give an added importance to the question or proposition by inquiring into the meaning and purpose of its author and as far as may be acknowledging its importance as a link in the chain of the topic under consideration.

Again it should be borne in mind that a stolid silence on the part of others when a subjective suggestion is made is more insulting than an abrupt contradiction, for the reason that such silence might justify the interpretation, namely, that the remark is unworthy of notice. And I may here add that in polite conversational interviews neither logic, metaphysic or verbal graces can supersede the imperative necessity of good manners at every stage of the contact where genteel social conditions are to be preserved.

To become properly posted or informed in any matter, either of practice or principle, education is necessary to all persons no matter what may be the quality of their intellectual susceptibilities. The proper distinction between systematic and incidental education is that the former is the relation where the teacher and scholar or professor and student uniformly exists. The latter is the incidental contact we have with abstract and concrete phenomena or persons in our experiences 0014 12and observations. It will be found, therefore, that we are still scholars or pupils, having passed to a higher grade, where not having the aid of a stated instructor we are in many cases dependent on the social amenities of life to aid us in a conversational way in the investigation of some of our more advanced reflections, by way of entertainments.

In the conversation of the various phases of our social civilization the necessity of conforming strictly to the rules as well as to the laws of each department is of the first importance.

Just as in the departments of civil and criminal law, ignorance of its demands is no sufficient justification or vindication of its violation, so in the social branch of civil life the standard is equally exacting and imperative.

The highest point of mere human excellence, all other circumstances being equal, is, “social excellence.” To sing or play well; to recite well; to dance well; to discuss or argue well; however popular, and desirable these may be they are all overshadowed and eclipsed, in utility and importance by the capacity to converse well.

Manners. It is an admitted fact that mere words are incapable of conveying our thoughts and feelings to each other. The value of cultivating the voice and calling in the aid of our facial expression in our effort to be both attractive and agreeable, relying on the ancient trite truism that “actions speak louder than words.” Shakespeare alludes to mature mankind as being only “children of a larger growth.” If this estimation of mankind is a true one, then it is opportune that we make the following suggestion, namely, that it is useless to forbid and to criticise habits and conduct of our children without making some effort to furnish them with some agreeable and at the same time harmless and profitable substitute to gratify the personal tendencies displayed in their objection... able conduct.

Prompted and guided by considerations akin to the last thought we venture to present the following suggestions to children of larger growth.

We sympathise with school teachers who in the performance of their important duties are so frequently confronted with the abrupt and gross manners of the children under their charge. This evil arises from the unfortunate fact that the home life of such children has never afforded them the advantage of personal example in the conduct and deportment of their parents toward each other, which would be possible only when such parents had learned themselves to be respectful toward each other. When the teacher calls the scholar to account for ill-manners, the child regards the summons as prompted by either crankiness or tyranny.

When in social interviews no person is required to either 0015 13ignore or compromise any honorable or distinguished official or popular position they may hold, either secular or religious, it is out of all harmony with the mutualities and equities of social interviews that such persons should either by word or deed indicate or intimate an anticipation of special personal consideration on such account. It is so important that on such occasions that the dignity of personal character should be free from the deterrent presence of the display of official importance or an assertiveness of wordly possessions that we here declare, and without hesitancy, that the obtrusion of either in such interviews should at all times meet with instant and emphatic rebuke.

It is not only a desirable, but should always be an imperative obligation either in a discussion or in conversational interviews that the subject alone should command our entire interest and effort.

It is not allowable, except it is solicited, that we obtrude by the slightest intimation any matter personal to ourselves or allude to an incident or the status of anyone or more of parties present.

In either case if we find ourselves without an argument to present in discussion or an appropriate thought or suggestion in conversation, we should be too logical in the one case and too polite in the other to violate the imperative proprieties of either situation by the violation of this injunction.

When invitations are issued for social companies or receptions it would be a thoughtful provision that the host or hostess, as the case may be, should prepare a brief list of subjects for conversation to be placed on bulletin boards to be hung in conspicuous places in the rooms of entertainment, not only as a reminder that there are enjoyments of a higher grade than dancing and other mere “bodily exercises,” but at the same time suggesting themes which would not be likely to occur to any of the company in the giddy maize of their social surroundings. Such an arrangement would be a high compliment to the character of the guests, as well as a convenience and one which would protect each and every one from the charge of producing his own subject.

Where invitations are issued for social companies or parties it ought to be quite as much a duty to the guests thus to provide for their mental enjoyment as it is to the painstaking interest in the promotion of their mere physical gratification, such as dancing and other matters to which we are not now objecting.

It is not every one who can respond to a toast master or preside at the grand musical instruments for the edification or entertainment of the company.

A bulletin board like the subjoined would not only extend the field of evening pleasures, but would promote research 0016 14and thought, especially in those who have not yet been able to arrive at distinction in ornate speech-making, or in eminent proficiency in musical attainments:

BULLETIN.

“Cremation,” “Patriotism,” “Female Suffrage,” “Evolution vs. Involution,” “Relation of Capital and Labor,” “Is Beauty Objective or Subjective?”

If we would entertain by the medium of musical exercises while such may be pleasant and enjoyable, it simply touches the emotions and vanishes with their momentary gratification.

If it is games in the best circles the situation becomes so personal and competitive that its very existence or continuance depends upon strategy and individual success at the expense and discomfiture of others.

If it is dancing, while it is enjoyable to those who practice it, yet with all its exhibitions of physical aptitudes and gracefulness, with the scriptures we join in the announcement that “bodily exercise profiteth little.”

It is no part of our present purpose to arraign unfavorably either of the above modes of enjoyment or entertainment, but simply to show how they are dwarfed in the presence of conversational entertainment. We will even admit the practice of them where these are the only qualifications possessed by the persons so engaged. But when it is considered that the mutualities, enjoyments and profits of real conversation are based upon the presumption that each of the parties engaged in the interview have made themselves passably familiar, not only with the laws and incidents of their own being, but to some appreciable extent with their immediate, as well as their remote environments, qualifications without which no one who is not similarly qualified, should presume to be more than respectful listeners and observers.

It is not among our suggestions that eminent personal proficiency in this branch or department of social life is primarily indispensable, but we do contend that a study and conformity to the few rules stated in this pamphlet will result in qualifying whoever may give the trial.

IN OLD AGE. How to Guard Against Being Deserted Socially by Our Friends and Even Members of Our Own Family:

When persons arrive at that period of their lives denominated “old age,” they have no one but themselves to blame if they find themselves shunned or avoided by those of the youthful or even middle age.

The mournful fact is, they have not “grown old gracefully,” they have not through the salutary mediums of refined social contact, kept in tender and cordial touch with the incidents 0017 15and interests of the age in which they have lived.

The truth is, they have passed out of existence socially. They may be treated as objects of commiseration and centres of duty and even of tenderness. But it is not one of the potencies of human nature to be able to respect those whose helplessness demands our pity. We may give them the full measure of care and protection which is their due. But if we strictly notice the emotions of respectful deference with which we are penetrated when in the presence and company of one of a similar age who has kept abreast of progress of the age in which he or she has lived, we will clearly perceive the difference between personal respect and mere toleration. “We rise by the things which are under our feet, By what we have mastered in greed or gain, By the pride deposed and the passion slain, And the vanquished ill each hour we meet.”

HOW TO COMMENCE FAMILY OR DOMESTIC LIFE.

Of the many days and months devoted to what is recognized as courtship, we should utilize a portion of that time from the usual manifestations of affectionate fondness in the persistent cultivation of that polite respectfulness toward each other that always inspires and cherishes salutary and prudent self-respect.

It will be much easier after having devoted regularly a portion of the moulding term of courtship to this work of mutually cultivating the traits and tendencies of blandness and urbanity, that when the important change from the transient relations of courtship to the permanent relation of connubial life occurs, to take with us to our newly-established home, not only the discipline of habit, but also the soul and the sentiment of mutual forbearance and of reciprocal appreciation of each other, and thus lay a permanent foundation for domestic and home conditions promotive of the growth and culture (in our children) of the personal graces so desirable in social life.

We have said elsewhere in this pamphlet that it is one of the strongest evidences of a well-ordered mind to find that its possessor has used some of his or her time and opportunities to look up some of the good traits in the characters of others. But we here (regretfully) state that it is only the few, who however they may be favorably impressed with unusual excellences in others, become ready volunteers in making favorable mention of the same. Others seem, on account of the paucity of their own graces, to fear an unfavorable comparison—indeed, they are more ready to join in detraction of others, not that they have ought against them, but rather in the confident hope of keeping others' reputations down to their own level.

0018 16

This repulsive habit is so frequently exhibited in the conversational incidents occurring in social life that we are as frequently pained at the superserviceable readiness with which such persons join others in the detraction of absent associates or acquaintances, as we are disgusted at the morbid and skulking stinginess with which the same persons contribute (under compulsion) their faint admissions of personal excellencies of other persons far above any point to which they themselves have ever attained.

When we consider how much more productive it would be of the manifestations of the finer traits of human character if it were known that such traits would not only be duly observed and appreciated, but also meet with honorable mention. We are justified in the apparently severe strictures made in the foregoing paragraph.

We have also elsewhere referred to the expression of a personal opinion in the private circles of conversational entertainments. There are many subjects on which we should not be expected to form positive conclusions at once, or perhaps at all, neither should we deceive ourselves or others of our company by the claim that we have done so, when possibly we have simply adopted the ideas of someone else. It is not at all necessary that we should in such company take firmly definite sides on the subject; indeed, it is important that if we would retain our own sincerity and self-respect that we do not at any stage of the interview pretend to have opinions, even if asked for, if they have not been hammered out on the anvil of our own intellects by patient, industrious and careful adjustment of the ideas out of which such opinion is formed.

The most frequent and probably the most disgusting habit in either ordinary or polite conversational interviews is the one which with gratuitous readiness instantly obtrudes itself in either amending or amplifying another's statement or contribution.

Such inexcusable rudeness is substantially an announcement of knowing better how to make such a statement or of having thought more fully in that direction. Of such offensive manners it is safe to say that they are only indulged in by those of very limited mental calibre, or those whose extreme selfishness is thereby made to stand out disgustingly conspicuous. All persons therefore should abandon this habit of thus building on the statements or even the suggestions of others before having given respectful credit and consideration to a thought that possibly would not have at the time occurred themselves.

The evil practice here objected to is not only a gross personal injustice, but it is one of the principal obstacles which confront the modest and thoughtful in a conversational 0019 17coteries.

We would have it plainly understood that this treatise is not written to the multitude, or the masses. The general public never lay hold of lofty reformations, especially where such reformations may cost the abandonment of its habits however disgusting and ludicrous such habits may be.

There are always in every age those who are ready (if only in their own defense) to proceed to label every new reform with the discouraging cognomen of “impossibility.” We shall, therefore, not regard it strange if this feeble effort shall be stigmatized with similar treatment from the masses.

Our appeal, therefore, is to a higher court, composed of finest minds, the purest hearts and the gentlest natures found in social life, in the confident hope of their acceptance and adoption of our suggestions. It is foreign to our purpose that the suggestions herein presented should be limited to those incidents of social life which are merely adventitious, such as select companies or stated and polite gatherings, occurring through the mediums of special invitations. A much wider field is within the grasp of our purpose.

We would commence (as we have heretofore intimated) in the primary stages of the home circle. We maintain that the principles and practices herein suggested are as important as applicable, and, indeed, as essential in the social relations of a man and his wife as in any other of the relations of social life. Let the husband from the first hour of his conjugal relations make it a rule to meet the suggestions or the inquiries of his wife with respectful attention, thereby impressing her with the idea that she should have something of importance to say. This will elevate her in her own estimation and induce her to investigate and think more deeply that she may intelligently respond to his amiable interrogatories. The effect of such a state of home life could not possibly be lost on children reared in such a family.

When we say “cultured conversation” we do not mean to refer exclusively to either scientific or profoundly metaphysical topics. The culture we mean refers especially to the character of the company and the mode of presenting the individual thought for mutual entertainment.

It is because no special training, either systematic or incidental, is considered (by most persons) as important in this, the loftiest range of human attainments that we have regarded it a duty to offer the foregoing suggestions and thereby to direct attention to some of the rules to be strictly observed in pleasurable and profitable conversational interviews. In pardonable eagerness to get down on paper the thoughts on the above subject as they occurred to me, I doubtless have in some cases done violence to the various rules of scholarly composition. I shall therefore find no fault with those who 0020 18may complain of such delinquency if they have no other fault to find with this limited production. If I am charged with using harsh terms in my allusion to certain objectionable social habits, whoever may make such complaints are hereby cordially invited to supply the place where such objectionable terms occur with whatever verbal graces they may deem more polished and appropriate. In their so doing they will both deserve and receive my cordial acknowledgements, giving us at the same time the benefit of the truthful adage that “our best friends are those who tell us of our faults, and teach us how to mend them.” ISAIAH C. WEARS, 955 N. 6th st., Philadelphia.